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Monday, 27 April 2015

Baby don't cry, 全都怪我. 我還是愛著你

I have done a German blog, but came back to blog some things here.
I wonder if it's my imagination or if my German writing is really disgustingly fake, lame and just wrong.
Or maybe I'm just not used to write German and thus I can't do it.

Writing in English just feels more right for me.



Three songs I really like this moment.

Baby don't cry (人鱼的眼泪)



This one is a pretty old song by EXO-M.
I don't know, but when there are Korean and Chinese versions of songs, I normally prefer the Chinese version.



可惜沒如果



Ok the MV is weird and I haven't really watched it yet, but the song is so cool. I actually never liked a song by JJ Lin, cuz somehow they all sound like the same love-sick shit.
But this one sounds a bit different and the lyrics are the story of my life (a bit).
假如没把一切说破
那一场小风波 将一笑带过

在感情面前 讲什么自我
要得过且过 才好过

全都怪我
不该沉默时沉默 该勇敢时软弱



我還是愛著你



This has been in the charts for forever and I like it from the start, but never really got into listening to it very much. Until now. MP are not really my kind of thing when it comes to there fashion, but I like this song very much..




I like how Cpop is still relatively conservative so you don't get things like idk whatever (some) Americans are doing.
Also most songs stay in the charts for a very long time, which is a further indication for their quality.

Sunday, 26 April 2015



I have thought about it (oh really? #bignews)
I definitely am overthinking, but heck, it's me and sometimes good things issue from my overthinking.

Also, me overthinking means, I am prone to read too much into things.
Yes, it's none of my business, but as it seems, it's noone's business, of noone who knows this person. So eat well and live well -
no, I don't mean it like that, just that, apparently this person's intention is to do whatever anyway~
So I decided to forget about all this crap.



On another note, I took this photo a few days ago and I find the editing quite pretty, right?
Just that I have no real outlet for it, except for twitter and my blog, because nobody I really know is following either.

I don't have anyone judging me actually, it's just that I myself find it over-exposed. (I need a tripod)
But one day or another I gonna set it as my cover, because it is pretty, right?

Those black things are not garters, btw. They are the halters of over-the-knees. I got them as a present from American Apparel.
Which is quite cool, cuz I wanted them anyway, BUT in completely nude. Apparently, you can only have so much of God's love.
Months later I realized, those things look like garters man, how am I supposed to wear that thang?
So this picture developped.


Btw Age of Ultron is quite good, I liked it much more than the first Avengers movie (which was quite bad imho).



(Btw as a matter of fact I'm wearing shorts on that pic haha)

Saturday, 25 April 2015

全都怪我

可惜沒如果 - 林俊傑
I'm tired and I know I shouldn't be.


I have friend. Or
I don't even know if we are really friends.
We haven't spend much time together, but still - maybe this friendship means something to me?

Or actually maybe it doesn't, but it's just my personal unease.


I'm tired of wanting to help, but not knowing if I'm in any position to interfere and tired of people who play everything is fine, but simultaneously hinting that they have problems.
Like, what do you want man?

I'm so tired of these people; because not being able to voice one's true feelings is for me one of the greatest sufferings.
I'm naturally a person who likes to help others, especially with this kind of problems. I naturally want everyone around me to be happy.
So I'm really so so tired of knowing about their pains, but not being able to help.


I said I know I shouldn't be.
Maybe I'm not their friend and they don't want my help either, maybe I'm imagining all of this.
Maybe I should just straightforward force this friend to speak up. Maybe he'll be offended and wonder about what the fuck I want from them. Maybe they'll think there's more to it (How do you tell someone - who is not your future boss - that you simply like to help other people?).


I'm not stupid (at least I like to think so).
I know that this person has been avoiding me (right?). That's making it extra hard for me to approach him.
Do you know how tired I am of all these thoughts?
I'm super tired.

Maybe this person doesn't even feel like there's need for help. And I'm just overthinking shit.
I am overthinking shit. Always.

Even if he really has a problem, it's none of my business. Right, if I'm being avoided, why should I care, right?


I can't.
If it were anything else, job, debt, parents, I don't know - maybe I'd be able to ignore it, even if it affects the happiness of this person. But everything originated from one's inability to speak the truth is my personal pain.
And I can't avoid it.
I can't.



I wish for two things; that there's a way for me to help to find a solution.
Or that it's nothing.



No, maybe there's one more thing. I wish this person doesn't think of me as what-I-think-he-thinks-of-me.
Quite contrary to many people, I try my best to say what I think, or if it's impossible, to think what I say. But often it's hard to for others to believe in your words.




A part of me thinks about calling it quits.
I don't see any purpose in a relation in which the positions are so unclear or so uncertain for some. This all leads to nowhere.
What are we pretending to have?
If you don't trust me? If I have the feeling that you don't trust me? This is not a friendship. I just know you.

Bluffs.
It's tiring me out, too.
I don't want anything of this.

ah, but this is something I caused myself. And maybe, I'm the one who has to speak up.
Maybe I just sort this out for good.
Maybe all of this is not worth half a thought I just thought.



What do I want man?

No, I'm seriously tired. I am going to watch Avengers - Age of Ultron later this night.
Gotta catch some sleep~

Monday, 19 January 2015

Colour



Yesterday I was watching a 60's (?) movie. Do you also find that people then were prettier (and more handsome)?
I think so.
I also like the fact that even kids were running around in blazers, shirts and stuff and that they were all dressed so colourful.
I wish people would still dress like that.

I am going to dress like that.



Btw I happen to check out plastic surgery for nose the other day, because - as some of you might know - getting a nose job is on my bucket list!!!
The problem I have with my nose is not that it's too small or anything! It is too friggin' big lah!

Okay, they call it bulbous nose in Korean-English and it will make you look very countryside girl like la (still better than other imperfections lah, them Koreans lah, got ugly forehead they call you Orang-Utan).
The good thing about bulbous nose surgery is, don't need implants (if I got that right). They will remove the fats from the alars to make them slimmer or also cut out fats or cartilage from your nose tip.

Which is very good!
I actually don't mind implants or plastic.. on others. No I wouldn't mind on me either, but I can't really imagine to get, say a higher nose bridge through an implant, the thought of having such a thing inside my body somehow doesn't sound good in my ears. But who knows, if I had a very flat nose, maybe I would have decided for a rhinoplasty surgery.

Friday, 16 January 2015

Issues

2 issues and one prologue

I have this new app (that isn't that amazing) which let's you mix different nature sounds to create a relaxing atmosphere.
I have always loved this kind of thing even as a kid (which makes me kinda old), nice sounds make me feel so comfortable and at ease.
I had this study software back then with a virtual environment, one of the features I always used is to set a background sound.
My stable favourite is the sound of rain of course (and everything that comes with it; lightning, wind, etc). Generally I like everything with water; ocean waves, rivers, you name it.
I also liked the sound of a busy city life very much.
For some time - during my heavy depressive phase - I could die on the sound of birds singing, but now I'm quite OK with it.



Issue 1: FASTING

So as a result of my recent musings about conscious nutrition, I decided to go on a vegan, clean eating, low-carb, detox fasting before Easter, known as Lent.

I guess it's going to be quite hard, because I don't really have the opportunity to eat clean when I'm at home with my parents. But I will try my best.

I'm going to start with goop's '7 day detox' and then doing the clean, vegan, low-carb stuff for the rest of the time with a bit of detoxing in addition.

Already I am very curious about the results and can't wait to begin. I hope to share my daily experience on instagram.



Issue 2: BEING WRONGED


I have mentioned before, I grew up rather isolated and it's hard for me to deal with difficult social scenarios.

I'm a person of few, but strict principles. One of them is being true and open to avoid problems. For some people being too true or open can mean directly asking for problems, but I am very tolerant, and as long as I can relate to something, I forgive relatively easily. Or when that person is sincerely sorry.
I am also mostly not angry for a long time.

So how do you react when you are being wronged?
Do you just swallow it down?
Do you confront the other person with accusations and reproaches?
Do you get aggressive?
Do you stay calm, wait for a good moment and try to approach the subject diplomatically?

As for me, of course it's best when the opponent has the courage to see and admit to his faults and apologizes out of his own accord.
This would show me that the other person has a conscience, appreciates you and is trustworthy after all.

Even when you get back on a trustful relationship through your own approach, it always has the bitter smack of disappointment and doubt.


So anyway when sb has wronged me I don't like to let them get away with it, as I think it would hurt our relationship, even if ever so little.

I try to approach them creating an atmosphere of trust. Trust that they can be honest about their motives (be it that they were too lazy to pull me out of a burning car), that I will never judge them without listening to their story.

At the same time I can't be too soft - 'hey, I'm not angry, but why...' can't be the right start all the time, if it is at all. Being too soft is not only a sign of lacking self esteem, which eventually will show the wrong-doers that they can treat you the way they want, but it will leave you unsatisfied, too, because you haven't shown them how important and hurtful this issue is to you.
Plus you might force out only a half-hearted apology or worst - none at all, because the other sees no fault, when you are even not that upset. No fault, no guilt; he will just say anything to get over with it quickly or even chose to go along with your petty game and play it down to nothing.
Which is never the point. The point is to gain back trust and to integrate the happenings as a part of your relationship's story, as both parties use it to learn out of it through getting to know more about each other.

How to do that I wonder. It is very hard if you deal with an emotionally immature person (not that I'm terribly emotionally mature).


Lastly, not being able to conserve your anger over some time is quite unnerving. I have no problems about forgiving and forgetting if I know the background story and everything, but often I am too understanding.
Being a person with too many flaws myself, of course I tend to feel others better and am more ready to view things relaxed.
But then often something inside me tells me that this fault is actually a sign of lacking respect and appreciation and I can't possibly ignore it just like that.



So yeah, that's that.
I'm still no wiser than before.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Consciousness



A New Year's Post after all.
I don't know... I'm actually over New Years, the spirit doesn't move my temper not at all. Is that realistic, killjoy-y, mature, I don't know...

I do know though, that having resolutions for a new year is stupid if you think that's already half of the work. New nothing, my ass.
I have long come to realize that a year was invited by some smart people back then to organize their work - when are the salmon here?, are the buffaloes moving?, sowing seeds now?, it's going be the be warm for the next 3 moons, etc - and to save their souls - winter ghosts, day of Odin, you name it.

Now tell me what this has to do with bettering oneself? Nada.


Still, we can't go from one extreme to the other. So I have rehabilitated New Years as a trivial, but useful event to trigger the High Self.
I mean we all need a turning point, right? If NY has the potential to change who we are, then that's a good thing. I only wish we realized that the rest of the year is actually equally potent.
Well, be that as it may, here are my poor intents for the new year (apart from losing weight and growing boobies, cf last post)


Consciousness


I want to be more aware of what I do, what I eat, what I buy, just how the heck I am passing my time here.
I have been on this trip for some time now, but never carved it in stone. I am just too passive about life and I want to change that, because I realized that being conscious about yourself will enlighten you and help you deal with or prevent problems.
Before improvement or maintenance takes place you have to be aware of your situation first, this is where it all begins. Even if you are living a bad life, if you realize your situation it will help you understand it better and will make you feel more at ease, because you see through what is going on. And even if you chose to stay like that, because you have consciously made a decision and know the consequences.
I find this much more efficient than always groping around in the dark, never realizing that you are just floating through time and space, not more than a plaything of your environment. And efficiency is the the be-all and end-all of my life. I hate things which are not efficient and 100% purposeful, starting from the organisation of your drawer to the choice of your washing machine. Why wasting so much life?

I have been living with this kind of mindset for a long time, but haven't expanded it to all aspects of life.
So for this year I plan to find more about how I spend/ waste my time (I'm really good at that) and try to improve that. Additionally I want to relate my actions more to nature and act more ecological. I am still trying to avoid plastic, but not very successfully...
I also want to eat more consciously, which means I am trying to view low-carb as a way of life, rather than a temporary mean to lose weight.
And I want to shop less, it is getting out of hand. But maybe I have improved a bit.




In relation to that, recently I really fancy books. Not that I really want to read, but somehow, books really fascinate me.
I went to a book store and skipped through the cookbooks (everytime I diet I am hungry for recipes...), to my surprise there was no vegan book which was hipster or stylish enough. Not that I want to be vegan, I couldn't care less about animals or my physical health, but I am somehow interested in what health benefits vegans fondly hope to get. And I might try to go vegan for the Lent fasting period.


Chu, Ailing