Monday, 19 January 2015


Yesterday I was watching a 60's (?) movie. Do you also find that people then were prettier (and more handsome)?
I think so.
I also like the fact that even kids were running around in blazers, shirts and stuff and that they were all dressed so colourful.
I wish people would still dress like that.

I am going to dress like that.

Btw I happen to check out plastic surgery for nose the other day, because - as some of you might know - getting a nose job is on my bucket list!!!
The problem I have with my nose is not that it's too small or anything! It is too friggin' big lah!

Okay, they call it bulbous nose in Korean-English and it will make you look very countryside girl like la (still better than other imperfections lah, them Koreans lah, got ugly forehead they call you Orang-Utan).
The good thing about bulbous nose surgery is, don't need implants (if I got that right). They will remove the fats from the alars to make them slimmer or also cut out fats or cartilage from your nose tip.

Which is very good!
I actually don't mind implants or plastic.. on others. No I wouldn't mind on me either, but I can't really imagine to get, say a higher nose bridge through an implant, the thought of having such a thing inside my body somehow doesn't sound good in my ears. But who knows, if I had a very flat nose, maybe I would have decided for a rhinoplasty surgery.

Friday, 16 January 2015


2 issues and one prologue

I have this new app (that isn't that amazing) which let's you mix different nature sounds to create a relaxing atmosphere.
I have always loved this kind of thing even as a kid (which makes me kinda old), nice sounds make me feel so comfortable and at ease.
I had this study software back then with a virtual environment, one of the features I always used is to set a background sound.
My stable favourite is the sound of rain of course (and everything that comes with it; lightning, wind, etc). Generally I like everything with water; ocean waves, rivers, you name it.
I also liked the sound of a busy city life very much.
For some time - during my heavy depressive phase - I could die on the sound of birds singing, but now I'm quite OK with it.

Issue 1: FASTING

So as a result of my recent musings about conscious nutrition, I decided to go on a vegan, clean eating, low-carb, detox fasting before Easter, known as Lent.

I guess it's going to be quite hard, because I don't really have the opportunity to eat clean when I'm at home with my parents. But I will try my best.

I'm going to start with goop's '7 day detox' and then doing the clean, vegan, low-carb stuff for the rest of the time with a bit of detoxing in addition.

Already I am very curious about the results and can't wait to begin. I hope to share my daily experience on instagram.


I have mentioned before, I grew up rather isolated and it's hard for me to deal with difficult social scenarios.

I'm a person of few, but strict principles. One of them is being true and open to avoid problems. For some people being too true or open can mean directly asking for problems, but I am very tolerant, and as long as I can relate to something, I forgive relatively easily. Or when that person is sincerely sorry.
I am also mostly not angry for a long time.

So how do you react when you are being wronged?
Do you just swallow it down?
Do you confront the other person with accusations and reproaches?
Do you get aggressive?
Do you stay calm, wait for a good moment and try to approach the subject diplomatically?

As for me, of course it's best when the opponent has the courage to see and admit to his faults and apologizes out of his own accord.
This would show me that the other person has a conscience, appreciates you and is trustworthy after all.

Even when you get back on a trustful relationship through your own approach, it always has the bitter smack of disappointment and doubt.

So anyway when sb has wronged me I don't like to let them get away with it, as I think it would hurt our relationship, even if ever so little.

I try to approach them creating an atmosphere of trust. Trust that they can be honest about their motives (be it that they were too lazy to pull me out of a burning car), that I will never judge them without listening to their story.

At the same time I can't be too soft - 'hey, I'm not angry, but why...' can't be the right start all the time, if it is at all. Being too soft is not only a sign of lacking self esteem, which eventually will show the wrong-doers that they can treat you the way they want, but it will leave you unsatisfied, too, because you haven't shown them how important and hurtful this issue is to you.
Plus you might force out only a half-hearted apology or worst - none at all, because the other sees no fault, when you are even not that upset. No fault, no guilt; he will just say anything to get over with it quickly or even chose to go along with your petty game and play it down to nothing.
Which is never the point. The point is to gain back trust and to integrate the happenings as a part of your relationship's story, as both parties use it to learn out of it through getting to know more about each other.

How to do that I wonder. It is very hard if you deal with an emotionally immature person (not that I'm terribly emotionally mature).

Lastly, not being able to conserve your anger over some time is quite unnerving. I have no problems about forgiving and forgetting if I know the background story and everything, but often I am too understanding.
Being a person with too many flaws myself, of course I tend to feel others better and am more ready to view things relaxed.
But then often something inside me tells me that this fault is actually a sign of lacking respect and appreciation and I can't possibly ignore it just like that.

So yeah, that's that.
I'm still no wiser than before.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015


A New Year's Post after all.
I don't know... I'm actually over New Years, the spirit doesn't move my temper not at all. Is that realistic, killjoy-y, mature, I don't know...

I do know though, that having resolutions for a new year is stupid if you think that's already half of the work. New nothing, my ass.
I have long come to realize that a year was invited by some smart people back then to organize their work - when are the salmon here?, are the buffaloes moving?, sowing seeds now?, it's going be the be warm for the next 3 moons, etc - and to save their souls - winter ghosts, day of Odin, you name it.

Now tell me what this has to do with bettering oneself? Nada.

Still, we can't go from one extreme to the other. So I have rehabilitated New Years as a trivial, but useful event to trigger the High Self.
I mean we all need a turning point, right? If NY has the potential to change who we are, then that's a good thing. I only wish we realized that the rest of the year is actually equally potent.
Well, be that as it may, here are my poor intents for the new year (apart from losing weight and growing boobies, cf last post)


I want to be more aware of what I do, what I eat, what I buy, just how the heck I am passing my time here.
I have been on this trip for some time now, but never carved it in stone. I am just too passive about life and I want to change that, because I realized that being conscious about yourself will enlighten you and help you deal with or prevent problems.
Before improvement or maintenance takes place you have to be aware of your situation first, this is where it all begins. Even if you are living a bad life, if you realize your situation it will help you understand it better and will make you feel more at ease, because you see through what is going on. And even if you chose to stay like that, because you have consciously made a decision and know the consequences.
I find this much more efficient than always groping around in the dark, never realizing that you are just floating through time and space, not more than a plaything of your environment. And efficiency is the the be-all and end-all of my life. I hate things which are not efficient and 100% purposeful, starting from the organisation of your drawer to the choice of your washing machine. Why wasting so much life?

I have been living with this kind of mindset for a long time, but haven't expanded it to all aspects of life.
So for this year I plan to find more about how I spend/ waste my time (I'm really good at that) and try to improve that. Additionally I want to relate my actions more to nature and act more ecological. I am still trying to avoid plastic, but not very successfully...
I also want to eat more consciously, which means I am trying to view low-carb as a way of life, rather than a temporary mean to lose weight.
And I want to shop less, it is getting out of hand. But maybe I have improved a bit.

In relation to that, recently I really fancy books. Not that I really want to read, but somehow, books really fascinate me.
I went to a book store and skipped through the cookbooks (everytime I diet I am hungry for recipes...), to my surprise there was no vegan book which was hipster or stylish enough. Not that I want to be vegan, I couldn't care less about animals or my physical health, but I am somehow interested in what health benefits vegans fondly hope to get. And I might try to go vegan for the Lent fasting period.

Chu, Ailing

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Pill Change

This is not a New Year's post.
Wait, it might be one.
Read, and judge for yourself.

So I might or might have not told you about my terrible illness, ok it's a syndrome - PCO syndrome.
Basically, I have too many male hormones (I did blog about this, right?)

I recently went to check with my gynaecologist again, who told me that I don't really have to do anything against it, since it doesn't really affect the quality of my life.
But I want to be on the pill ㅋㅋ
Not because I gt bf mah, but because I have massive hair loss (!!!) - lost about 1/3 of my hair liao, there used to be a time when I could hardly wrap a elastic two times around my entire hair, now can three times already!!!! - and n000 tits.

So she prescribed the pill to me, but still have to wait for quite some time till I can start.
More hair, more tits (/cough), less pimples!!!!
I only hope that I won't gain weight.

Also on a side note, it's really cool to have gfs who are practically further experienced in bf things than me.
I can be very blur and ask them all sorts of things, don't need to inform myself ㅋㅋ Or they will give me advise w/o me asking.
Also I can learn from them w/o having to experience things myself.

There's this quote by Confucius:
By three methods we may learn wisdom:
First, by reflection, which is noblest;
Second, by imitation, which is easiest;
and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
I guess I'm talking about imitation, while my gf take the 3rd way.

Ok that's already it.
I kinda mean that a new period is (hopefully) starting in my life, which is the NY's spirit.

Chu, Ailing